Facebook Must Die

In my time off I've had time to think about things. I've had time to mellow out a little, make myself more reasonable in my opinions, and to rethink the direction I want this website to go. Is the tone I've historically taken the right one to communicate my message? Should I ease up on the aggressiveness and use different language? Can we all, in fact, just get along? Then I thought about Facebook, and made my decision: fuck that shit.

This is what it's all about

I've long thought of Facebook as the single largest blemish on the face of the Internet, and that opinion is never, ever going to change. It started out as a good idea: you must have a school email account to register, and you shall use the site to reconnect with your classmates with whom you have lost touch. Never mind that apparently the guys who started it just did it to get laid; that just makes them fucking heroes. Then they expanded it from college to high school, and then removed the school requirement entirely. And it was all downhill from there.

Allow me now to visit some entirely random facebook pages and grab those people's current status messages, to help make my point:

Someone want to take me out to eat?
Now for my next trick, I will take every medication I have and see what happens.
Looking out of my office window I just noticed that the little rock city buses have their numbers painted giant sized on the top of the bus. The only reason I can imagine for this at the moment is if some crazy guy gets in a police chase in a bus, they can identify which bus it is from the Air

Let's hear it for useless fucking observations, everyone! And to those whose statuses I used, don't feel like I'm picking on you; everyone has retarded status messages. Facebook has turned from a way to connect with long lost classmates into a way to bore everyone on the planet at once with your brainless drivel.

But that's not all: in addition to letting you deface the Internet with meaningless swill, and letting you "poke" people which they swear is not a sexual reference, Facebook is provably making people more stupid! Check out this real news story:

And if that's not enough, recently Twitter showed up on the scene. Now people are "tweeting" about even more boring and mundane things than Facebook had them doing. And with abbreviated spelling all over the place too. I mean, seriously, an app that doesn't let you use more than 140 characters to communicate what's on your mind? What the fuck did they think was going to happen?

25 things to hate about Facebook

Fortunately, I think I've figured out a way to get Facebook shut down for good, so it will stop fucking with the intellect of everyone on the planet. It's devious, it's a fabulous scheme, and everyone should do it. It seems Facebook runs 30,000 servers to keep their website up. Can you imagine how much of an impact that has on the environment? 30,000 computers generating heat, using power that was probably generated from a coal-burning plant, it's no wonder the Earth is heating up. We need to shut down Facebook for the sake of the future!

Think of all the bonuses that will come from this bold move: less heat and less pollution are just the tip of the iceberg. Once everyone stops using Facebook, they're going to need something else with which to occupy their time. Maybe they'll go outside and visit with their good friend the sun. Maybe they'll start thinking of things they can do to replace Facebook, and end up inventing something that changes the world. More importantly, maybe they'll stop trying to make sure everyone knows every single fucking move they make in real time!

So please, for the good of the future of all mankind, sign my Facebook petition to shut down Facebook. The fate of the world depends on it.

Discuss this article in the forums

submit to reddit

Got something to say to me?