Presenting Christmas!

Another Christmas, another Christmas article. Everyone else is doing it, so why not me? I'll tell you why not: because they're boring, repetitive, and they all say the same things. They're always spouting crap like "be nice to your fellow man" and "it's better to give than to receive at Christmas time." Well you know what? I didn't make last year's Christmas article all fluffy like that, and I'm not going to do it this year either. So anyone expecting a kinder, gentler article for Christmas can go take a flying leap while I discuss the actual issues.

I had to double-check last year's Christmas article to make sure I'm not covering the same stuff, but it turns out last year's was just different enough that I can get away with it. I'm going to split this article in to two parts if it's not long enough though, so if the content looks familiar just stick with it until the end as it may change on you.

So what's the thing most people associate with Christmas? It's not Santa Claus, and it's certainly not Jesus, and I defy you to find five people who think otherwise (there are bound to be one or two, but five should be a good challenging number). The thing most people associate with Christmas is presents. Simple Capitalism. It's Christmas time, which means we set up a fake plastic tree in the living room and in the morning there are presents under it. It's mostly for the kids, but that doesn't stop lots of adults from getting stuff for themselves too.

So there's no problem there, right? Bullshit. First of all, in this day and age the last thing we need is to be spreading stories about a morbidly obese man who breaks in to people's houses and steals their milk. Today's kids have enough to worry about from being told all the violence on TV and in movies is turning them in to murderous villains without having some guy with a big white beard going on about whores three at a time. That's a petty point I only inserted to get a cheap laugh though, so let's move on.

The real problem is that in a society where children are given anything they want at any time, and adults can go to the right place and purchase just about anything they can think of for the right amount of money, everyone has gotten used to getting what they want, when they want, no questions asked. That means they get all pissy when all they get for Christmas is a Play Station 3.

You see, here's what's really going down on Christmas. People who care about you decide they want to make you feel good. Because we live in a capitalist society, the easiest way to do that for most people is to buy them shit they don't need, but that looks pretty or does something cool. Occasionally people give things that actually have a use, but since most people are complete enigmas who never make it clear that they want something specific they end up getting a gift card, which is just like money only you can only spend it in once place.

So these people are buying shit for you, with their own money, out of their own goodwill. On its own, there's nothing wrong with that. The problem is when the ungrateful cuntwads open their presents and say things like "Oh, I wanted an XBox." Well if you didn't make it clear, how the fuck was that person supposed to know that? They spent their supposedly hard-earned money on a gift for you out of the goodness of their heart. You know what else they could have gotten you? NOTHING.

That's right, what these ungrateful little cumtwats don't seem to realize is that the present was given with good intentions, and that another option just as valid could have been to give you fuckall instead. When someone gives you something for free, in the genuine hope that you will enjoy the item (i.e. it wasn't a live scorpion or a bottle of turd juice or something), the correct response is "Thank you." Nothing less.

So with that all said, here's what I want you all to do. When you're at your family gathering for some arbitrary non-specific holiday that almost rhymes with "pissed fast,", if you hear anybody begin a sentence with anything remotely resembling "But I wanted," slap them across the mouth as hard as you can and tell them to be grateful. When that person's parent inevitably gets fussy, slap them too and tell them to raise their kids better so they can appreciate when things are done for them. The most likely consequence of this is that those people no longer come to visit, but the release after all the stress of the season will make you feel pretty damn good, and really, isn't feeling good the whole point of Christmas?

It's Almost Christmas Time, Bitches!

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