Indian Givers Are Better Than You

You know, this is a Month when lots of people are giving lots of things to lots of other people. There's Christmas, Chanukah (or whatever your favourite spelling of it is), and probably dozens more that are less publicized. You know what these things have in common? Exchanging gifts.

Before continuing, I'd like to make one thing clear: this is not a Christmas article. The points I'm making can be applied to any time you happen to give someone a present, be it Valentine's Day, a birthday, flag-up-the-ass day, whatever. This is not about giving gifts at Christmas; it's about giving gifts in general.

There are a few basic tenets to follow when picking out a gift for someone. The first is to find something you suspect they'll like, or at least appreciate. If you're shopping for someone in a wheelchair, odds are a hockey stick is a poor choice. Make sure whatever gift you give someone is suitable for them.

Now that the obvious drivel is out of the way, let's get to the point: As I believe I've said in a previous article, do not expect anyone to do anything for you that you would not be willing to do for them.

The first step of expanding upon this is obvious: if you don't give someone a present, don't expect one in return. If you don't buy anything for someone, you are not allowed to get pissed off when they don't buy you anything in return. They're just giving you exactly what you gave them: sweet fuck-all.

The more important aspect of this is a little less obvious, but just as important: If you give someone a five dollar trinket, don't expect a diamond in return. People take notice of how much effort you give them, and believe me when I say they always reciprocate. Picture this:

Here, I got you a CD. Why didn't you get me a new guitar?

If you are ever present when that happens, you are hereby obligated to go out, purchase the shittiest guitar you can find, paint it up all nice and shiny and new-looking, and smash it on their most prized possession. If they don't have their pokemon action figures handy, you may use their head as a substitute.

People who give five dollar presents get five dollar presents in return!

My stance is simple, and I think it's the one everyone should take: I hate the commercialism that all holidays represent, and so I do my best to avoid buying anyone anything, and I expect nothing in return. Besides, I have just about everything I need already, why should I make people stress themselves out trying to figure out what I want?

Anyone who expects more than they're willing to give is dumb, and sucks at life. Now go get fat on turkey and die from obesity.

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