Megan Fox Isn't Hot

Hollywood seems like a breeding ground for physically attractive people. Just as one generation is on its way out, there's a new batch coming up to fill the hotness gap right behind them. In fact, people in Hollywood tend to be so attractive that they're unbelievable in roles where they're meant to be poor, downtrodden, or otherwise undesirable. Ironically, that's not the problem.

The problem is that Hollywood breeds cookie-cutter hotness. In almost all cases, the women are fully interchangeable with each other, because they all look the fucking same. California leads the United States in plastic surgery, because everyone wants to be in movies, and being in movies requires bigger boobs, flatter stomachs, and skinnier legs. If you want to be in movies, you have to fit the archetype, and if you don't fit it then you'll be made to fit it.

Keira Knightly in the poster for the movie King Arthur
On the left, Keira Knightly. On the right, how Hollywood wants Keira Knightly to be

Don't believe me? Just take a look at the cast poster for the movie King Arthur. More specifically, look at Keira Knightley in the poster. She's isolated over there on the right. The left side of that picture is how she actually looks. The right side is how she looks in the poster. Keira Knightley is known for having small breasts, and rather than rely on her otherwise attractive looks and her acting ability to sell seats, they flattened her stomach and digitally enhanced her tits.

When it comes to attractiveness, Hollywood is a cespool of lowest common denominator desire. Most men like long legs and big boobs, so that's what people go for. Trumping those features somehow is overall skinniness; Patricia Arquette plays a mother of three on the TV show Medium, and after she gave birth the Producers pressured her to lose weight. Mothers of three in a long-term relationship usually aren't ridiculously skinny. Apparently she had to threaten to quit in order to keep an appropriate appearance for the role, though I can't find a reliable source for that claim.

At least Michael Bay gets it. He made Megan Fox gain weight for Transformers 2 because she was too skinny. And really, what's so special about Megan Fox anyway? I wouldn't throw her out of bed, but is she hot? Absolutely not. She's hot in exactly the same way everyone else in Hollywood is hot: big boobs, thin waist. There is absolutely nothing special about her; she looks like a younger, untalented, less attractive Angelina Jolie.

Megan Fox in Transformers

There are precisely two things Megan Fox has going for her that make her stand out. First, she always ends up in "Please fuck me in the ass" poses in movies; women who are bent over with an arched back look more sexually appealing than women standing straight up, especially when they're moving their ass from side to side. Megan Fox always seems to end up in that pose, so it's always on people's minds when they look at her. Be honest, when you think of Megan Fox, you think of the picture to the left there, or the equivalent shot of her bent over a motorcycle from Transformers 2.

The second thing she has going for her is that she's perfected the "slightly parted lips" look. Seriously, watch Transformers 2 and pay attention to Megan Fox's mouth. You can see her teeth for almost the entire fucking movie. Do you know anyone who walks around with their lips parted all day, who isn't a dunce? I once saw her in an interview, and hearing her talk without a script made my brain hurt.

Do you want to know who the hottest woman in Hollywood is right now? It's Anne Hathaway. Not because she has the slimmest waist, or the biggest boobs, or the shapeliest ass; in fact I'm pretty sure she doesn't have any of those things when compared against the rest of Hollywood. What she has is a gorgeous face, a brilliant smile, and a stunning personality.

Anne Hathaway

That's right, I'm fucking saying it: personality is more attractive than looks. You can take anybody to bed, but who are you going to marry? Who are you going to share your deepest intimate details with? The one who looks better naked, or the one who actually has the mental capacity to understand, and the capability to provide emotional feedback and to help you grow as a person? Anyone who marries somebody purely for looks is a fucking moron.

Second most attractive feature? The face. And not the face you can give yourself by smearing make-up all over yourself, I mean your natural face. Anybody can make themselves look like a movie star with enough cosmetics, but who gives a shit? That's not the face you're going to see when you go to bed or wake up. That's not the face you're going to see when you feel like bumming around the house all day. That's not who you fucking are.

Here's what the cosmetics companies don't tell you: the more you use their product, the more damage you do to your skin, and the more you need to use their product to cover it up. That's why men always look better at age 60 than women do; because we don't smear shit all over our faces every day and ruin our skin. If you want to look younger for longer, keep your face clear from shit that's not supposed to be there in the first place.

Anne Hathaway isn't the hottest woman in Hollywood because of her body, she's the hottest woman in Hollywood because of everything about her. She's honest, intelligent, sweet, a huge nerd, has a fantastic sense of humour and a beautiful smile, and is physically attractive. If you want to be an attractive woman, don't spend so much attention on the shape of your body; spend your time enriching your mind and personality. Believe me, they're much more attractive traits.

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