Why I Hate Celebrities

They're on T.V. They're on the radio. They sell things to us that we don't really need but that we apparently can't do without. They exist so that we may love them and cherish them. And that, more or less, is why I completely despise them.

Picture this: you are going to work, just like any other day, only you are surrounded by photographers. They follow you everywhere you go, taking pictures of you so loser teenagers have something to jerk off to. You get to work, put in your day, and when you're ready to leave for home they're right there to do it all over again.

Let's face it: being a celebrity is hard. You have absolutely no privacy, and everything you do is scrutinized and studied. You can't have diarrhea without it making a newspaper somewhere. I mean, it's not your fault that the only bowl available was the Stanley Cup. When you're a celebrity, all the things you would normally be able to do become extraordinarily difficult.

There's a reason celebrities pay $1,000 for a haircut, or have entire stores close down for the hours they spend there. It's not because they're selfish and greedy and want to show off to the world how much better they are than everyone else, it's because it's the only way they can have any privacy! How would you like it if going to the supermarket meant having to wade through throngs of fans who want you to sign their babies' assholes?

Tabloids exist for one reason, and one reason only: because people like seeing their betters fail. We as people (not me, as I have better things to do, like squeeze out a thick brown turd, but many other people) eat it up. We love reading about celebrities in scandal, so those are the stories the tabloids see fit to print. People break up every day, but for some reason when Bruce Willis and Demi Moore do it it's front page news? Bullshit!

So that's why I hate celebrity. The status of being famous. So what's wrong with the people who hold that status? Well, for starters, they keep feeding rose-coloured shit to the gaping maws of the tabloids.

The first problem is that most of them don't understand the power they hold over society until it's too late. They know they have it, but they don't understand it. Celebrities are in the public eye all the time; it's what they do. People are watching them very closely. As far as I'm concerned, this means it is their responsibility to act responsibly as role models. People look up to them, so they should act as people who deserve that right.

So what the fuck is with all the drinking and driving, doing drugs, partying all night with the kids at home alone, smoking, showing your fucking pussy to the world, and that's just Britney Spears? Athletes using steroids for the quick fix, celebrities getting drunk and stoned on a nightly basis, and people being elevated to celebrity for giving head to an ugly white man. The rap industry glorifies fucking gangsters, and America wonders why there's a violence problem in their youth!? FUCK YOU! You are in the public eye with people looking up to you as their example. So set a good one.

The second problem is that celebrities expect to be treated better than the rest of us just because they're celebrities. They expect this because they receive it. Wynona Ryder shoplifted hundreds of dollars of merchandise, and didn't even get a slap on the wrist. Hell, a celebrity could kill someone and be out of jail in less than a year. A couple have done just that. I think the most currently relevant example is Paris Hilton, though.

Not long ago, Paris Hilton was pulled over for driving erratically, and had her license suspended for DUI. Then she got pulled over twice for driving with her suspended license. The second time landed her in court for it, and she was sentenced to 45 days in jail. The usual sentence is supposedly 90 days, but we'll ignore that.

What did Paris do? She claimed she was being treated unfairly because of her celebrity status, and started a petition for the Governator to have her sentence suspended. To hell with that, to jail you go. After three days she was put on house arrest, in direct violation of the Judge's orders which specifically forbade house arrest. So she goes from prison back to the mansion. That's some hard time, there.

Not long after that, Paris is being dragged back in to court because she wasn't supposed to be let out of jail in the first place. What does she do? She whines and cries and yells for mommy, because she's too scared of not having HBO for a month and a half. Then when the sentence comes in that she's to go back to jail, her lawyer claims she's receiving a stricter sentence than other people for the same crime (we're still ignoring that the usual sentence is 90 days).

The point is that Paris Hilton is famous, despite her only skills being walking in a straight line and being a whore. ...Well, that's not really the point, but it's fun to say. The real point is that celebrities need to realize that their status grants them a certain social responsibility, and they need to start living up to it. They're just people doing their job, like the rest of us, but because they are celebrities they need to set the good example for their viewers. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go snort some cocaine off a hooker's nipple while I shoot someone in the testicles.

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