The One That Makes The Red L

Picture a man going on a journey to his Mother's house. She's making pie, and this travelling man is a stereotypical fat gluttonous tub of lard who values food slightly higher than breathing and just below television and alcohol (which are tied for second behind masturbation). Somehow his car hasn't yet collapsed under his weight, but I assure you it's coming. He's turning left, but his car is behind the white line when the light goes red. What's a guy to do?

Well, this is where theory and reality differ. What he should do is wait patiently for the light to turn green again. After all, the pie isn't going anywhere, and for the moment neither is he. What he actually does is follow the slow-moving Volvo ahead of him through the light, not actually entering the intersection until traffic the other way already has the green, holding everyone up because he can't go another five minutes without a piece of fucking pie.

Now, situations like this are honestly my favourite when it comes to people sucking. This is because anyone who sucks in this way actually sucks many times over, and I get to verbally abuse them for each and every one of them. Let's begin, shall we?

First of all, there's the obvious: you're holding up traffic. In the time it takes you to notice the light has turned red, move your foot to the gas pedal, and go through anyway, two cars turning left in each opposing direction could have gone. That means you are single handedly delaying everyone who's in line to turn, and preventing two people per line from turning at all on this light. What about their pie?

Now, there are only two semi-reasonable explanations for people pushing through a red to turn left: impatience and tardiness. Before looking at either of these, there is something important you need to know: the average red light in North America lasts between 60 and 90 seconds. This simple fact feeds in to how badly you suck if you turn left against a red light.

If you are so impatient that you can't wait a whole minute to get where you're going, that means you're probably going to do the same thing at other lights you encounter. Heaven forbid you take more than 15 minutes to get across town! Thank Jack Bauer for people who believe you can actually do that... Fucking television. Here's the best part: let's say you manage to shave a full ten minutes off your trip. That means you're getting to wherever you're going ten extra minutes early. Guess what you get to do for those ten minutes? Wait! Brilliant plan, rushing to get somewhere so you can wait for shit to happen. I believe this is known as "hurry up and wait syndrome." If it wasn't a syndrome before, it is now.

The other possibility is that you may need to shave that time off in order to get where you're going in time. Let's get one thing straight: if you need to run a red light to get where you're going in time because that extra 60 seconds will make you late, you fucking suck at organizing your life. Sell your car and go become Amish; I hear they have a need for dumb grazing animals out there.

Now, just for a moment let's pretend you're running that light to get somewhere important, like the birth of your child. First of all, if you're in the car rushing to get there in time, you're probably not the one who'll be squeezing it out. This means you are not the one who needs to be there for the delivery to take place. If you're worried about getting there before your kid makes it out, don't be: Doctors are patient, and even if you miss it your wife/girlfriend/mistress/sheep will understand that you're coming from the other side of town and may not be able to get there in 15 minutes. It's not like the Doctor's going to toss the kid in the garbage disposal if the Father isn't there when it comes out.

Bottom line: stop turning left against red lights. Sooner or later you're going to get pulled over by a cop who's had a bad day, and wonder what happened to all your teeth.

...Wait, since when am I a cop?

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