You Fail At The Internet

As we all know, the internet is a series of tubes. It's a series of tubes through which information travels, often either sent or received by people with the intelligence of a retarded coconut. At least, that's the level of intelligence they project anonymously to the world. And that, dear readers, is the problem.

The problem stems partly from that very anonymity. People know that the internet gives them a voice that isn't attached to a face, and which cannot be tracked down without serious effort. That allows them to be total assholes and get away with it. The rest of the problem is that humans are natural born shit disturbers.

Think about it: how many people do you know who do random shit that doesn't make any sense just to see what will happen? That is called disturbing shit. Putting mustard in someone's coffee instead of honey is disturbing shit. Giving someone vodka when they ask for water is disturbing shit. Being an asshole on the internet just to get a rise out of whoever is gullible enough to snap at it is disturbing shit.

Being a shit disturber generally isn't any good for anybody. People get pissed, and the person disturbing the shit runs the risk of severe pain. Because of the nature of the internet, disturbing shit there is done anonymously, which is all the more draw toward it because there isn't a real drawback for the person doing it. What people don't realize is that given the proper tools, and a little time, you can actually track someone back through the internet to find out who they are and where they live. The anonymity of the internet isn't as total as you believe it to be, thus you aren't as safe as you think you are.

You can, however, avoid being an internet shit disturber entirely and not risk severe pain and personal damage at the hands of someone with the patience to track you down. Here are some guidelines for internet use you can follow to ensure you don't piss someone off to the point of tracking you down and beating the shit out of you, like Jay and Silent Bob did this one time:

  1. Don't post "First" · All you're doing is wasting a post spot that would be better filled by a picture of you minus your head. You post "First," then five people inevitably post to bitch about how you wasted the first post, and then everybody loses. Fuck you.
  2. Don't spam · Yes, you're excited about George Lucas marrying a midget Wookie. No, nobody cares. Get over it. Posting it many times isn't going to make us care about it any more. In fact, it's going to make us hate it because we hate you. You spamming immediately lowers the intelligence level of the entire site, because people need to take time out of their busy schedules to see what you posted, decide whether to murder you, and then act upon that result. Plus you need to realize that George Lucas lost all credibility with Star Wars 2.
  3. Don't arbitrarily repost things · Hooray, you found the bunny with a pancake on its head! Now you need to post it everywhere you possibly can where the thought applies, right? WRONG. Arbitrarily reposting things without knowing where they come from or what they really mean is as stupid as repeating political rhetoric when you're three. You may post about Chuck Norris without knowing who he is, but I assure you, he knows where you live and he's coming for you. I've seen to it.
  4. Don't pass on chain letters · A chain letter is anything that includes something like "If you don't pass this on to fifteen people in fifteen minutes, your penis will fall off." First of all, if you're stupid enough to believe that then you deserve to have it happen. More importantly, chain letters are just another form of spam, only worse because it's not even something you care about! You're only passing it on because you have nothing better to do, not because it's something you concern yourself with. Have you ever seen a movie with a retarded kid in a schoolroom who keeps yelling things randomly and looks ridiculous? That's you.
  5. If colour is available, don't abuse it · Very good, you have the ability to write in any colour you want. Now you can provide appropriate emphasis when there's something you want to draw particular attention to. So why are you instead using this ability to write yellow text on a white background? That's just obnoxious.

Basically, using the internet comes down to one simple saying: Just because you can be an asshole, doesn't mean you should be an asshole. And to everyone else, if you find someone doing the shit outlined above, just ignore them. They're usually only doing it to try to get a rise out of someone, so by giving them attention you're merely playing in to their hands. You're coming down to their level of stupidity, and they have more experience than you. Remember:

You are retarded

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