You Probably Suck At Having A Body

If you're like almost everyone else, odds are you're unhappy with your phsyical condition in some way. Either you're too fat, or too thin, or you don't have enough muscle, or you really really really want that third testicle already. I'm here to tell you that maintaining your desired body shape is not only easy, but the method is painfully obvious.

Seriously, if this article doesn't make sense I'm going to hire someone to cause you extreme pain.

Successfully maintaining your body requires some knowledge about how it works. I know you've been inundated with television ads about trans fat, cholesterol, calories, carbohydrates, Omega-3, Omega-6, Omega-Mu-Gamma and whatever else they're pitching as unhealthy or healthy for you this week. There's only one thing in there that matters for controlling your weight, and I'll give you the space between this paragraph and the next to guess which one it is.

Calories are you friend. Seriously. I know you've never heard them called that before, but here's how calories and your body work together to keep you healthy:

A calorie is a quantity of energy equal to 4.18400 joules. It is the amount of energy needed to increase the temperature of 1 gram of water by 1 degree celcius. Its use is basically restricted to the food world, which is why you've never heard of it outside of diet terms.

Every action your body takes, even the automatic things like breathing and pumping blood, uses up energy. Exercising uses energy quickly, while sitting on your probably-fat ass watching television uses almost no energy, and often makes you drowsy. When your body uses energy, it has to get it from somewhere. If that doesn't strike you as obvious, ask someone to strike you until it does.

So where does your body get calories from? There are two places: the food you eat, and your body's fat stores. When you use fewer calories than you consume, your body stores the difference for future use. That's where fat comes from. When you use more calories than you consume, your body goes off and retrieves it from your fat.

So what does that mean? It means if you consume more calories than you use, you will gain weight, and if you consume fewer calories than you use, you will lose weight. If that doesn't make sense, read the previous two paragraphs over and over again until you can recite them verbatim.

Basically I'm saying that if you're so big you block out the sun, you have only yourself to blame. You are either eating too much, exercising too little, or both of those things. Everyone's metabolism is different, and a slow metabolism in someone who sits on their ass all day can only lead to weight gain in the form of fat.

So what does that mean? It means I wish you'd stop asking that fucking question already and draw some conclusions for yourself. Here are the conclusions you should be drawing:

  1. If you eat a lot of food and sit on your ass all day letting your brain rot in front of the television, you will put on fat.
  2. If you eat more food calories than your body uses and you exercise, you will put on muscle.
  3. If you eat fewer food calories than your body uses, you will lose weight.
  4. If you eat nothing, you're probably an underweight coked out whore and you should put down the crack pipe and seek professional help.

So now you have to count your calories, right? Well, not really. You just need to know which foods to eat more or less of given your physical goals. I'm working out to gain muscle, so I eat high calorie foods. You're a fat fuck who can't see your toes, so you need lower calorie foods. This page will identify some of them for you. I found it through Google as the first hit when searching for 200 calories. A quick search for food calories will help even more.

Of course, consuming the right amount of energy is only a small part of being healthy, but it's almost everything when talking about controlling your weight. The other thing is water.

Ah, water. The true wonder drug. The right amount helps you lose weight, and too much will kill you. I could write an entire article on why you should drink enough water, so I won't go in to it here. Instead I'll tell you to head to Google and search for something like drink water.

Basically, what I'm saying is if your body isn't in the shape you want it, you need to change your eating and exercise habits. If you're a fat fucker, get your ass off the couch and eat more vegetables. Don't go bitching to your friends about how much you hate your body when it's all your fucking fault anyway. Trust me, it makes them hate you. I know I do.

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