Get Out Of My Restaurant

So picture this: You go to a restaurant with whoever you're romantically involved with (hopefully you know who that is, I have no idea) for a nice romantic dinner. Why you chose Burger King is anyone's guess, but hey, whatever gets you off. All of a sudden you hear the ear-piercing shriek of a toddler from across the room. What do you do?

This is one of those weird situations where if you confront the family, you are somehow the one being rude. They bring a prepubescent rhesus monkey to the restaurant cleverly disguised as a child, and they don't know how to keep it from throwing its shit everywhere, but by telling them you have a problem with it you're the one who's out of line. Go figure.

Of course, whatever public opinion may be, the person who brings the ear-infected chimpanzee to the restaurant is the one who's really at fault. The rule for taking children out of the house is a simple one: If the child cannot behave, the child has no business in the real world. It's that simple. You wouldn't want me stabbing you in the ear with an ice pick, so why should everyone else let your fucking air raid siren do it to them?

As parents, you have a responsibility to raise your children so they can interact well with society. Also, as parents, when your children do something that is unacceptable it is your responsibility to discipline them in some way. That means you need a way to punish the child when it steps out of line, which includes doing an impression of an off-key trumpet.

So how do you punish your child in public for acting out? The answer is deceptively simple: you don't. You take it home immediately and punish it there. Presumably you brought the child along because it's a place the kid likes eating. Say you'll leave immediately if the noise keeps up, and if it does then pick up and go. Yes it means you don't get to finish your food, but that's the cost of raising a child with social competence.

So what do you do if you want to go out somewhere but can't find a babysitter? Do you take the child who can't go five minutes without throwing random items with you, knowing it will just be a pain while you're out? FUCK NO! If you can't find someone to take care of your kid, stay home and do it your own damn self. Children who can't behave in public have no right to be there!

Recently I was at a restaurant with my girlfriend, and there was a starving cat cleverly disguised as a child at another table. The family was there when we arrived, and their plates were empty, so we figured they'd be leaving any moment and didn't worry too much about it. Yes it was annoying, but if it's going to be over in five minutes anyway it's not a problem.

Within minutes the little monkey screeched, and over the course of the next 25-30 minutes he did it again and again. At that point, they had been done eating for at least 10 minutes and were just wasting oxygen and table-space. So I pulled our server aside:

Excuse me. At the table behind the door is a family of 4 with a very loud child. The noise coming from the kid is really taking away from our meal, and they finished eating at least ten minutes ago. Will you please ask them to leave?

She gave me a slightly worried look, as if asking a customer to take their noise maker away was a grave crime, but she went over anyway and when she came back she told me they were leaving. Score one for the guy who knows noisy kids have no place in a restaurant.

If I ever own a restaurant, I will have a sign in plain view that says "If your child cannot behave it will be removed from the restaurant." If your child acts up, two very large security guards will walk over and quietly escort you from the restaurant, after you pay for your meal. Next time, leave your fucking kid at home.

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