I Like Moving Snow

Winter is upon us like a fart from Father Christmas. It took a while to reach much of North America, but now it's here in all its white glory. Snow, ice, chilly winds, it's all really quite pretty. And then some moron has to go and ruin it by firing up a snow blower.

First of all, I really like shoveling snow. Honestly. It's time alone to think, it's good aerobic and muscular exercise, and when I'm finished I can look at what I've done with a clear sense of accomplishment. "This driveway is now clean, and it's all because of me." Then the snowplow comes by and I get to administer a severe beating, but that's a topic for another time.

Then there's the snow blower. It's big, noisy, and dangerous. It works by spinning very sharp coils of metal around to gather the snow, and then shoots the snow up in to fast moving fans to completely dice it on its way out. I challenge any of you to stick your hand in either end of a snowblower, and if you actually do it I absolve myself of all responsibility for your stupidity. Beyond that, a snow blower also fires the snow off in a giant cloud in some random direction. I pity anyone who steps in the wrong place.

Now, I deliberately waited until the year had turned before writing about this. You're not asking why, but I'll tell you anyway. If you're like probably 80% of people out there, one of your New Year's Resolutions was to improve the state of your body in some way. Build more muscle, lose weight, whatever. Personally, I'm trying to gain 45 pounds of mostly muscle by the end of May.

So what does one thing have to do with the other? Well, most people resolve to improve their body, and shoveling your driveway is exercise. You improve your body partly through exercising. So why the fuck would you go out of your way to not do something that will help you reach your own goal?

Here's how managing your weight is done, in a nutshell: If you exercise and eat more, you put on muscle. If you exercise and eat less, you burn fat. The common ingredient is exercise. If you don't exercise, you either maintain your current weight or you put on fat. Basically, if you're lazy you won't see any improvement.

So let's compare. You can shovel your driveway, which takes between 15 minutes and 2 hours depending on the amount and type of snow and which provides a full body workout, or you can use your snow blower, which involves you pushing around a machine for 10-20 minutes that will mutilate any body part that accidentally gets thrown in there. Let's see, which one is better for your body...

That's not even the funny part. I figure there's one main reason people use snow blowers: they're lazy. Rather than use their own muscles and energy and actually break a sweat, they prefer to buy a machine to do it for them. People like having things done for them instead of having to do things themselves.

Like I said, it all comes down to being lazy. The kicker is that most people use their snow blower to cut the time it takes, so they can quickly get back to what they were doing before: sitting on the couch watching television! How fucking stupid is it to be lazy so you can get back to being lazy?!

Bottom line? Get off your ass and shovel the driveway like a real man or woman. All that can come from it is good, and if you're unwilling to do something that's good for you and helps you meet your own expectations, you suck in more ways than one.

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