An Immovable Object You Are NOT

If there's one thing I hate, it's being beaten in a race by a midget with no legs. If there are two things I hate, the second one just might be when people decide to stop suddenly, and for no apparent reason, in the middle of the fucking hallway.

I don't know where people got the idea that it was okay to stop in the middle of human traffic to become an obstacle. The only things that should be in the middle of the hallway are maps and garbage cans. Next time someone stops like that, I'm going to roll up a map and push it in his mouth.

The problem, you see, is really quite simple: It's a matter of obstructing traffic. If you stop in the middle of the aisle, everyone behind you has to stop, and everyone behind and to the side has to swerve around you, deflecting the people behind them from continuing. If you must stop somewhere, at least have the common decency to pull off to the side.

As you can clearly see, you're going to die either way. It's all a matter of convenience for those around you at that point. If you die in the middle of the hallway, your bleeding corpse is going to leave a mess all over the floor and continue to block traffic. If you die at one of the outlets to the side, the homeless robbers can drag you in to the alley and pick your pockets in safety, not worrying about being trampled by the masses.

Next time someone stops in the middle of the hallway in front of you, instead of diverting your course, just walk in to them at full speed. Knock them over if you can. Then say "Excuse you" and continue on your way. If they don't get the point, they're likely to get run over by a speeding tricycle and die, so they won't be a bother very much longer anyway.

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